Twelve months of finding yourself… unfortunately not on a gap year in Bali, Part three

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans

Each time I was discharged from hospital, I was struck by the reality that there is no pause button on life. Whilst yours is on standby, controlled by hospital routine and rules, those around you have been and still are growing up. Everyone will encounter their own problems and issues to navigate in life as no life is perfect, but it can feel an overwhelmingly isolating time as you begin to have to accept and notice the experiences you have missed. You may not see the bumps others have faced along the way or are experiencing, often due to the way we see the world now through the lens of social media. We are seeing the highlight reels of others lives, which I myself am probably guilty of. It is a truth, however, that anorexia will have stopped you from experiencing what those around you have. You have missed that graduation. You did miss that holiday. You did not go clubbing on your 18th or spend time drinking and making mistakes that teenagers may find themselves making. You cannot get those times back, but something I hold onto is that you can create new memories with recovery. By clinging onto anorexia, you will be forever watching the world pass you by.

I am aware that, when required, inpatient admissions are teaching a vital life lesson. As my wise (his words) father says, at times received better than others, ‘your health is your wealth’. In one way, my life is not ‘on hold’, as I am challenging an illness and learning how to manage in a world that once felt unmanageable. You are learning  how to look after yourself and rewiring neural pathways which are a one way ticket to self destruction. This lesson does not seem quite as exciting when 1. You can feel ambivalent towards change, at times not wanting this lesson or 2. People your age are, as a slightly questionable therapist once told me ‘getting drunk, popping pills and having sex’. I am aware of the fact he was trying to make, that being anorexia is keeping me stuck, though I was more noticing that my friends were simply growing up, making new relationships, moving out of their houses and graduating. Not so much the extremes he used… Whilst these could be considered as motivating factors for change, seeing all you’ve missed can make one retreat into the illness and its grip. You can see what it has taken, but change and living without the perceived control it offers can feel unattainable. Anorexia can additionally serve to numb emotions, potentially keeping you locked in and preventing you having to accept the harsh truths that you have been ‘on pause’.

Anorexia can feel a time warp. I note that lots has changed, yet I still feel at times the same as I have done since I fell into my illness. Though promising the feeling that something can be achieved, anorexia is a prison stopping development. The days spent can feel endlessly long, fear-driven and when consumed by the illness miserable. Hours are spent watching the clock tick away as you follow the same rules, routines and ritualistic behaviour. At the same time, the years can seem to be uncontrollably whizzing by. Though hard to ackowledge, time will whizz by when consumed by this illness, and you will not get those years back. BUT, as said, optimistially I try to consider the future that recovery can bring and the new memories that can be made if you put the work in to do it. ‘Catchup’ can feel terrifying, but could also be deemed as exciting. You have a chance to create and change your pathway, experience new things and find the joy that you have missed out on.

Accepting that everyone is at different points in life, and you have to take time to rebuild a life away from anorexia is challenging. You sometimes feel you cannot recover, or fear to recover into the person you were prior to the illness, as it can be years after you fell ill. You are not going to be the same person, both physically and mentally, if you fell ill at 11 and are now 24. Taking it day by day and accepting your position is the best way to move forward. You cannot change the past, but you can accept and spend time looking forward to the future, creating one that you feel excited to discover. You can feel fearful and excited at the same time. Practicing the DBT skill radical acceptance could serve a good purpose here. You have to accept your friends have, understandably, moved on. You were ill and struggling with a mental illness. Others lives are not perfect. We are presented with a picture from others of the ‘highlight reel’, but they will have faced their own different challenges. Hospital discharge opens up new opportunities and at times overwhelming new areas of life, but taking it bit by bit can make the experience of self-discovery also exciting. It is time to rediscover the things that made you who you are, and discover new things too!

Anorexia is the least interesting thing about you

One summer afternoon someone stopped me in an alleyway. I realise this could sound like the beginning of a Netflix true crime drama, but fortunately this was for a good reason! A lady made my day by saying to me “you’re the lovely girl who does the artwork of the towns, my daughter has a print and loves it”. This small comment made me smile the rest of the week, and still smile now! It shows the joy that life can bring outside anorexia and made me reflect on one of the, yet again, promises that anorexia never delivers. There is a common theme there it seems…

Anorexia, in my experience, is fuelled by the belief that somehow I am achieving something. It came about, without me realising, at a time of my life when I felt completely inadequate of doing anything. I believed I was completely incapable of doing ‘normal’ things, yet restriction and control of numbers was something I could do and feel momentary achievement from. It was initially never about weight loss, yet meeting the need of feeling ‘good’ or at least adequate at something in my life. The more malnourished I became, the more I craved restricting and the more I became numb to wanting to achieve anything else aside from controlling numbers. It served a useful distraction to focussing on these other areas, which I gradually lost energy to care for. Anorexia consumes an individual’s life. It is not a ‘thought a day’ or fleeting moment yet, in my experience, a constant ongoing battle during waking and sleeping hours (don’t get me started on weird dreams your brain can produce when you’re wanting a piece of chocolate…) Anorexia promised eventual success from these ‘achievements’, yet the iller I got the feeling of achievement and success never sufficed. There was always another goal set each time I met a milestone that once I thought would be enough. There’s no moment anorexia as a mindset goes ‘well done, let go now’. Ultimately, the stark truth is it will not stop till the sufferer is dead, hence the high mortality rate of the illness. It promises the feeling of achievement, success, identity and support, yet only leads to an early grave when pursued.

On a jollier note, returning to the comment which made me smile and why it caused such reflection. I came home and told my parents, who also smiled as they support me a lot in my pursuit of developing my artistic practice. That smile was never seen when they were at my side in A&E being told they could lose me, dropping me off at an EDU or in appointments they supported me through. Their smiles, and mine, were related to me finding a new purpose and sense of identity in life that I once never had. For the first time in years it was something I was noted for away from the illness. That comment came from someone seeing me as more than anorexia and my struggles, and commending me for my work! Anorexia promises achievement and an identity hence why it can feel so hard, at times impossible, to be free from. However, that one comment made me realise no one has ever stopped me and said ‘well done for being anorexic’ or ‘well done for weighing xyz or eating xyz or exercising xyz’, as those are not impressive or frankly interesting things about you. If I was to judge my friends in this way, I would think myself a strange person. We do not value these aspects of other people. We value their smiles, character, sense of humour and talents they share with the world. So, to cut it short, a learning from my ‘12 months of freedom’ is probably now an overused comment… but, one that is very true. Your weight, diet, measurements or rules around food are the least interesting things about you. People do not stop me and say oh great you’re ill. They feel concerned, worried and act sometimes as carers vs friends or family. But, when you start realising there is more to life, people realise there is more to you. That smile came from realising there’s more to me than an illness, and bit by bit I was rebuilding an identity away from an illness which once was only confining me to hospital walls.

Find your thing… and do it!

“I’ve been thinking what people your age are doing and what you’ve missed out on. I’ve come to the conclusion it is dating”. At this point, my treatment team must have been desperate. Who knew that dating could be a suggestion for an eating disorder?! To my response of “what would I say on a date, hello I’ve spent the last few years sectioned, done a whole lot of things that are completely unexpected and not even cute in a *quirky* way”, I was told I could make up a new past life and character. Apparently then, if I was fortunate enough to be graced with a second date, I would then have to come clean that I had lied and made up a different persona for the first date… Then would probably come another hospital stay for making up multiple personalities. The dating scenario did turn into a humorous conversation and I understand the suggestion in terms of someone kindly considering the things I have missed out on, and how I could try and put myself out there to reignite my passion for life and all the things that growing up stereotypically could bring. To prevent scaring anyone off or risking further sectioning, I decided not to go down the catfishing route. That not being catfishing someone by fake photos or financial scams, but making up a false identity to not be the person who threw a pizza across a dining room.

However, though dating may not be the pastime I chose, I embarked on a quest to discover myself and what means more to me than anorexia. Though I’ve done the ‘pie chart’ of your life more times than I’d like, anorexia will greedily take a good chunk of your pie. Unfortunately, not a real one. It can feel daunting to think of what will fill that chunk should you choose recovery. At one point, it felt necessary to be there, but finding new things to fill it with is essential. This may take the form of rebuilding relationships, finding new interests or studies to pursue. For me, taking time to pursue my enjoyment in artistic endeavours has begun to help me rediscover who I am away from being ill. It has been hugely challenging, as i have had to have confidence to show my art and believe it is ‘good enough’ to be shown to others. I am fortunate enough to have met the kindest, most encouraging people along the path to where I am now, which is beginning to show and sell artwork and do commissions! For the first time, I have been able to connect with a passion that has shown me glimpses of a future away from being ill and living amidst the misery of anorexia. I have been invited to exhibitions, worked with people on exciting pieces, and attended craft fairs. This has come with challenges. Anorexia for me was something I thought would offer me a feeling of being ‘good’ at something. To believe I could be good at something else was initially, and still is, a bit of a foreign feeling. However, building a new life with art has offered joys which never materialised with anorexia.

If you have reached this point you MUST be done with all this waffle and rambling. This has ended up far longer than initially planned! Though scary, my final lesson has been that putting yourself out there and rebuilding your identity with new hobbies and interests helps motivate recovery. It could be small things to start with, but don’t let fear stop you. Anorexia does not like ‘new’ things, as they bring change and threatens strict rules and routines. But, through perseverance and accepting things may not always be perfect, it is possible to find aspects of life which help rebuild relationships, self-esteem and most importantly happiness. So, whatever it may be, find your thing and do it!