A while back I had a seizure in Poundland. The last memory I had of the event was shoving my head in a fridge of Pepsi max as I had quite literally gone delirious and my body was amazingly trying to correct itself by resorting to its more primitive nature. The scary side of anorexia, realities vs the stereotype of it being a privelaged rich illness for those wanting to be thin, is your body will not hold up for you. This means, when starved, the body will shut off less essential functioning and instead ensure the basics are being met. So, at that moment, my body had shut off most functioning in favour of staying alive and was seeking out balance to the state I had entered. It’s terrifying to remind yourself of the reality of this illness as no one is immune or superhuman - despite what an eating disorder can make you think.
So, I return to Poundland with my head in a fridge. This was not the envisioned classiness of my twenties. I was left from this event with, understandably, a lot of anxiety and a helpful message from my dad that next time I should Atleast make it to a shop like John Lewis or Selfridges. Alas, I found myself on the floor and then soon carted to the hospital raving mad in an ambulance. I was stuck between two states of arguing about a Coke to being beside myself in apologising for being a burden on their time.
Thankfully, this event did show me I was not as superhuman as I thought and food isn’t an item needed to be earned or deserved, but actually an essential for all (as someone with an A level in biology you would consider this fairly obvious…) As time drew on and I recovered physically from the event, I found mentally my anxiety got worse. I was suddenly unable to leave the house for days, enter shops or at times walk the dog. The increasing frustration at myself made this worse. As mentioned, I was in my twenties watching others live their lives, go on holidays or even have children. I couldn’t get a cheese sandwhich from asda without thinking I was going to conk it.
Anxiety, as mentioned, made me berate myself more and feel increasingly incapable. But, when I feel frustrated with myself now about being ‘ behind in life’ I reflect and actually recognise gradually a whole lot has changed from my hard work. Some days are better than others, some periods of times are too. Sometimes I feel capable of things that other times I do not feel even feasible of considering. It is isolating and lonely to be anxious and feel trapped. To worry so much about doing what feels so simple also brings increased self criticism, anger and embarrassment and fears can be recognised as irrational but still very present.
Knowing the isolation brought brings me to consider others in this position too. In my own experience, ways in which I began to challenge my anxiety have been some of the following small ways that I hope may help others too. It is baby steps and feels like nothing, but 1% change everyday brings great changes over time! I’m capable now of things I couldn’t have done a year ago and this is interesting to see, as sometimes day by day it feels no change is being made.
Setting realistic goals that are achievable to build a sense of mastery. The more you succeed the better it feels and the more momentum you gain in repeating challenges! Have another aware of your challenge to share how it has gone, and if it went tits up see how another day you could try again!
As mentioned, do the 1%. I did tiny things that helped in time. I know I feared going away from my parents or being on my own in case I collapsed again. However, knowing I had correctly nourished my body then led me to challenge this by taking myself out after. I would go daily to sit in the park with my dog, being a manageable distance from others. I took a distraction, often being a book to read or my sketchbook to work on.
Don’t berate yourself for days it doesn’t go well. If it doesn’t work know you can try again, work out what didn’t work and how to overcome this without beating yourself up!
Have a plan A,B and as many more alphabet letters as you need! Sometimes it is a bit boring doing things as a planned day with a lack of spontaneity, but that can come with time… a plan can help ease anxiety as you know what to expect and when and what could be done if a problem arises.
Use others support when possible. You don’t have to do it alone! This may be sharing a goal or asking another to do something with you that you want to try. For example, mum and I planned a trip to London together. This allowed me to challenge myself a lot in a busy place, but be with someone who is aware of worries.
Reward yourself! Celebrate the mini moments of success and have a goal to work towards. This reward may be something that’s come from challenging the anxiety, for example visiting something you’d enjoy or treating yourself to something small.
So, on reflection time can heal. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m a whole lot better than a few months ago. I’m also not in Poundland with my head in a fridge. Beating yourself up doesn’t help over being anxious doesn’t help. Take it day by day and trust It is possible to challenge the fear and make changes. Everyone is different, but these ways aided me in facing my fear vs. Hibernating in a slump at home. Anyone struggling with anxiety can try to find solace in the fact you’re not alone. Your fears may feel very real, and maybe there is a real risk of them happening, but small steps are never wasted in confronting a fear and 9/10 times you’ll see it’s not as bad as you thought. Take it day by day and celebrate the successes whatever they may be!