The elephant in the room topic of meal plan increases in recovery… and navigating the fear they can bring.
Everyone faces their own individual struggles in recovery. There is no one size fits all formation to decipher the cause. I have longed for someone to turn up and say why I developed this illness, wave their magic wand to cure me and allow me to wake up anorexia free. Alas, it is not that easy. An eating disorder can impact someone for a range of individual reasons, there is no x=y formula to apply. It is important to remember, when struggling with an illness which can cause a great degree of comparison, you are an individual. Just as your reason or difficulties faced may differ from another’s, it does not make your own struggle less valid.
For me personally, I never developed anorexia as a way of changing my body shape, one stereotype I have found the illness to be labelled with. The desire to look like the models or celebrities we see on our screens was never my ambition, and is often not for those struggling. I have come to learn, for me, I find great security and control in numbers. Whilst I face perceived uncertainty around me, I can hyper focus and distract myself by clinging onto the control I feel by counting calories, macronutrients, micronutrients, steps, what I was burning, so on and so forth. I write in the present tense as, frustratingly, I cannot act like I am not still struggling with the aforementioned. Recently, I am fighting harder than I ever have done to challenge my eating disorder and let go of this false sense of ‘control’ which ultimately will lead to self-destruction.
As usual, I am waffling on, and have been all round the houses before even embarking on what I initially planned to address. In some ways, it presents how I avoid what I planned to discuss. The fearful ‘elephant in the room’ topic of meal plan increases within recovery. The reason why I had initially referred to individual differences within eating disorder recovery was hoping to refer to the fact that not everyone who struggles may find the discussed hard. This does not change your degree of struggle. So, with a helmet, sword and shield, I broach the topic of meal plan increases and what can help navigate the guilt, stress and challenge they bring. As with many things in recovery, the answer often seems to be distract, distract, distract, cringey quote, distract. Or have you tried hugging a teddy bear and having a bath? Works like the blue paper towel approach of British primary schools.
Why may people fear change in recovery?
Eating more, to someone without a disordered relationship with food, can seem the simple answer. Why would it be difficult? Some may even celebrate that, with the need to gain weight, you have the time to eat whatever you fancy. Sadly, it is not that simple. As mentioned, my struggle arose partly due to the control I felt micro-managing food and exercise gave me. Routines, increasingly ridiculous rules and behaviours became the norm. Not ‘obeying’ these unrelenting standards can bring such a degree of fear that change can seem impossible. I actually long to change, dream of a life with freedom and spontaneity. I can see the limits living with an eating disorder puts on my life, but the overiding fear and dominating voice of anorexia can be all-consuming and a huge barrier to change. It is an exhausting battle, as one may find themselves subject to the overwhelming demands of anorexia one second, then a huge desire for freedom the next.
Anorexia personally set me rules, routine and goals to feel momentary ‘success’. The degree of fear in breaking these set boundaries has been shown in the past, with my behaviour being so far out of character following change that my mum famously quoted “she doesn’t need therapy, she needs an exorcism”. Looking back I agree that that could have been the best course of action. Internally trying to navigate the meltdown and panic mode my brain has entered, at times I am incomparable to the ‘Josephine’ people saw the minute before. When people have heard my past *questionable* actions that have followed people trying to suggest a change, they often cannot believe it was me or actually occured. To be honest, neither can I. Thankfully as a family we have a ‘if you don’t laugh you’ll cry’ approach, which helps us mitigate the slightly more ‘interesting’ moments experienced.
Changes can bring fear for a plethora of reasons. It is impossible to summarise in one blog post why each person may fear change, hence why when supporting someone it is important to have discussions regarding how to offer support.
Things that have helped me navigate change
Having a plan and ticklist
The satisfaction of ticking something off a to do list I find very rewarding. Opposed to ticking something off my eating disorders ‘to do’ list, which ultimately will lead me to misery, recently I have found making a ‘to do’ list of the changes I am making beneficial to my recovery. Meal plans do not work for everyone, but currently it takes away an element of making decisions on the spot as I can prepare in advance to reduce anxiety. I know what I intend to do, the change I am making, and then have the small win of ticking it off and visually seeing that I can do what may feel terrifying. In some ways, it can bring guilt as I’m seeing the action I am taking against my eating disorder, but the part of me which wishes for freedom and a life away from this illness recognises the life I will gain back. Therefore, one can help themselves by making a plan, reducing choice in the moment and ticking off the win. At the end of the week, or in moments I feel incapable of change, I can reflect and remember I challenged myself and managed so can do again.
2. Flashcards or personally motivating ‘tools’ ie. placemats
Though sometimes a bit cringey, I do find little quotes and reminders helpful. Resources that help will be different for each person. I have made a small flashcard deck of personal reminders helpful to me which I can quietly read when needed. Reminders may be things in the future you need to be well for, photos or notes on the benefits certain foods will bring you. Should you need help finding resources, please do take a look at my fundraising cards for BEAT on my website which may help! Some find placemats useful, which could contain multiple different helpful tools, such as references to coping skills, photos and quotes.
3. Deleting calorie counting apps
Easier said then done for sure… The control my eating disorder seeks for can be maintained through having apps such as calorie counting ones, hence why biting the bullet and deleting them has been so beneficial. It is extremely hard, and habitually my brain still leaps to counting numbers as a source of comfort or safety. However, by deleting something which gave me a visible reminder of how much I have consumed, I have helped myself be able to increase and stick to my plan. Over time, it does get easier. With more time, I hope to be less consumed by calorie information daily. In order to try to do this, each meal time I think about what each nutrient is giving my body. For example, instead of seeing a food as x amount of calories, fats or carbs, I try to reframe my thought to see how this food is a bridge to feeling energised, being able to smile and be present in the moment and so many more positive things! Again, I preach this like it always works. Sometimes, I just have to accept and sit with intense negative emotions, trying to use distractions and healthy coping mechanisms. The guilt one may feel IS temporary, and living with an eating disorder is more painful in the long term.
4. Talking to others who are supportive and using company around you
I am fourtunate enough to have individuals around me who are understanding and supportive in my battle. An eating disorder such as anorexia can make you feel immensely lonely. This lonliness can maintain the grip it has on a sufferer. Therefore, when struggling, it can be a good idea to seek support and have a ‘safe’ person to talk to. Relationships can be greatly compromised and difficult when someone is struggling, however, use the healthy support you have offered to help your recovery. Verbalising thoughts and feelings can help, even if to a pet! Alternatively, should you not have someone around when needed, writing things down can be helpful as you could then work on challenging these thoughts. As the saying goes, far better out than in! Regarding pets, having a cuddle can always help if said pet allows. Sometimes the bombardment of hugs I subject my dogs too is not appreciated by them and they remind me everyone has boundaries.
5. Making things as easy as possible
I find myself often making excuses as to why I cannot have something. This may be because I have not bought it, but low and behold I will have the easier option on hand at the convenience of the eating disorder... So, make a list and have the supplies so there is no sneaky way to avoid what is scary. I find it hard to justify spending money on myself, especially in relation to food, but remind yourself it is essential. When increasing, I have tried to challenge foods I know I once enjoyed and have deprived myself of. Though scary, this has also added an element of thinking how happy my younger self once was and how happy I can be again. However invincible your eating disorder convinces you you are is a lie, you are not an exception to the rule that biologically you need energy. You deserve energy, to be fulfilled nutritionally, and you would never apply rules an eating disorder subjects you to to another person. Make things as easy as possible, though it is far from ‘easy’, and ensure there is no way to sneak out of things. Have it prepared, ready at the time you intend to face the fear. It can be hard in the moment to make the correct decision with an eating disorder screaming at you internally, so potentially shopping earlier in the week may benefit you. Alternatively, if you live with someone, you could ask them to add it to a grocery list when possible, or suggest having something together. Have coping tools ready for times of challenge and a distraction planned for after. You are capable of making change!
6. Having a cry
Anorexia numbs out all emotions to me. When confronting it, and sometimes with increased nutrients, emotions can suddenly come in floodwaves. This can be scary. Once feeling nothing can turn to suddenly feeling everything. I still struggle with feeling embarrased about crying or uncomfortable showing the ‘rawer’ side of how I am feeling. However, it is not to be feared or controlled through anorexia. It is ok to have a cry! I would never judge someone else for having a cry or showing emotion, so end up questioning why do I shame myself for feeling a certain way? I do not have to have a reason, and every person is entitled to feel the emotions they do. So, have a cry if you feel like it! Sometimes, societal pressures can make us feel we must maintain a mask of happiness, but it is ok to not feel ok!
The mental challenge of an increase can make it seem so much bigger than it actually is. I have been both suprised and frustrated at times in my recovery as I realise something I was extremely stressed and worried about has made no change. Human bodies need SO much energy to even maintain a stable weight, so you often need much more than you think to actually gain weight! This can make changes even harder, as I've often found you have to make one large one or lots of mini ones. In summary, there really is no easy approach, but I hope my slightly long winded attempts at explaining some things I've found helpful may be of benefit to someone else. In no way am I qualified or an expert at giving advice, so please listen to a professional team and their advice for your circumstance!